Valeva la pena?

Ok. This is going to be an emotional rant. If you dont want to read it, just don't. I just feel that I need to write these things to get them out or they'll keep bothering me more and more. I feel rather alone. Not just the boo poor me loneliness, but that deeper painful loneliness that comes from knowing that you're missing something that was essential to who you were.... that you might have screwed up more than you care to admit.... that things have happened that you wish could have gone otherwise but you know you can't fix at this point. I just wish that I could actually talk this out with the person in question, but unfortunately, and maybe justly so, I've gotten the cone of silence... as has happened before.... though before it wasn't so much my fault, this is, and I recognize that.... I wish that things were different... I know that they can't be and that this is the way things must be and continue to be, but there are so many moments now where I look back and I ask myself was it worth it? I don't think I'll ever be able to answer that question until the day I die, half of me says that yes, it was, because things were not going well and I was profoundly unhappy...... was part of that my own doing? was part of that out of fear? out of hurt and out of refusing to let someone in who I should have? It was. And still, I have this urge in me to know how she is, how she's doing, how her life is these days..... I feel like I would like nothing better than to meet for coffee or to just be able to talk... even at such a far personal remove as online.... just to know that some line of communication would be open to me. I'm not going to whine here about how most doors in what I truly care about seem to open slightly, then slam shut as by a gust of wind.... I'm not going to go on about the cancellations, the defrauded expectations, the slow and painful grasping at strands and straws of meaning and having to bear all of it with noble and nonchalant countenance. What I WILL go on about, though, is the fact that things just don't seem to gel... all the elements can be there and yet the finished product doesn't emerge... it gets transformed.... almost like a cake batter that's made and covered with saran wrap and left to sit in the fridge- true, you still have the cake batter, and you have it in a more permanent way than if you ate it.... however, without ever putting it to the test of the fire and radically transforming it, and yes, possibly even consuming it and forgetting the recipe - the batter just doesn't have the same value. Worse are those few rare cases, where the oven seems to be warm and yet one can't know whether the batter is slowly baking and that the cake will end up being ready in time, or whether it's just your mind playing tricks on you and whether the oven has been off this whole time.... I recognize that I'm imperfect, I recognize that I've screwed up and I wish that I could own up to some of those mistakes on a level playing field, I admit that I don't connect well to reality and that I don't think that's going to change anytime soon and I also admit that I'm driven by invisible and sometimes absurd standards that I set for myself which I attempt to unsuccessfully break by childish and surreptitious attempts. Hearing that people are writing the GRE or the LSAT brings back my memories of applying to schools and it's true, my insane focus on those things did take a lot out of other elements of my life..... possibly even contributed to the demise of the only real and beautiful thing I've ever known.... So far, I do enjoy Grad School and the path to a career is enticing.... the question is, was it worth it?