Seminal Spirit Alongside

Appo-polly-logies to all of you who read this and who have been angry at the lack of updates recently. It was a retardedly busy, yet incredible weekend. Two exams friday, both of which went pretty well, except for Spanish which was just weeeeeird. Saturday was work, then lunch with a good friend who I hdan't seen in a long time, which was just wonderful. Once you cna finally see someone for the multi-faceted person they are, it's such an awe-insipiring experience. Once you can finally see someone not as the object or projection of your desires, hopes, dreams etc.... not as the object of your pain, bitterness, misunderstanding and frustrations with yourself.... but just for who they really are, and to finally be able to approach them on those terms.... that's how all interpersonal relationships should be really. I mean we're all human so it's impossible that they could all be like that, but I mean if everyone could see the world as that (I definitely include myself among the blind here), could see past themselves when they get to know people, it'd be a really awesome place :). All that was followed by a fantastic dinner at Naike's house, then a lovely night at the Ballet. The nutcracker is so nice. Really put me in a holiday mood. (Though i maintain that those 4 animals are POODLES and not SHEEP. Yes, a little black poodle makes total sense, it's representative of Satan, Faust anyone?!) Yesterday was a mess though, work in the morning, then came home, slept ALL afternoon, and then dinner at Grandmaman's. Though I noticed a few things while there that are worth mentioning since they really impacted me. I mean my Granma's always been sweet and fantastic and has had that Monica-like faith which is really cute and actually really powerful and inspiring, but I mean it really extends to every aspect of her life. My grandfather has been sort of progressively getting worse these past few years, he was really great last night though, smiling and talking and everything which was nice to see. But i mean the amount that she loves him is so just.... wow. We were there at dinner and when she'd talk to him, she'd just lightly touch his hand, or if he was sitting down and she had to say something to him, she'd just gently touch his face (he's hard of hearing). And it hit me, the thing that's kept him going through all this, through the ins and outs of the hospital, the never knowing what tommorow has hidden, just everything, has really been her love for him and his of her. THAT is the kind of love i'm looking for, that is the kind of love I want to one day find.... I had been hounding myself since I'm searching and have been for so long, but didn't really know and couldn't really articulate what I wanted. And, fair enough, truth be told, love can't be articulated. It's an indeterminate idea, one without any determinate concept, if any concept at all. ... And yeah, it's THAT kind of love that really matters, of course, you can't go searching FOR that, you just have to keep that in mind, and let fate and circumstance and chance take their respective courses, enjoying the immediacy and absurdity of each moment and just seeing where the current of fate takes you. THAT, though, is the rock, the small island in the middle of life's torrential onrushing stream, that should be striven for. Why? No, it's not because it's cute. It's because it's the kind of love that can connect worlds. It's the kind of love that emulates the divine, it sustains life itself. That kind of love, that kind of experience, is really what can conquer death, what can and does conquer despair, what keeps your heart beating and what will keep you breathing, even when you have no lungs to breathe anymore. Sorry about the cheesyness, but its the only way I know how to express all this. Speaking of breathing, I know it's random, but it also hit me today, the human breath is one of the most beautiful sounds I know of. No, not as in creepy heavy breathing, but just the normal sound of a person's breath. I know the Buddhists have oodles of writing on this sort of thing and I dont want to repeat their arguments too much, but it's true. Breath is Spirit is the power of expression is life. It's also what connects everyone with everything. Admit it or not, whenever you breathe, you're taking in what someone else has just exhaled. I still remember back with Britt one time we were just holding each other in bed, and I was so dissatisfied with the fact that I was bound by my own body and wished that I could just do like Milton describes that angels do in heaven by completely becomeing one subtance with the other (yeah, like sex, except WAY more intense)... Then i realized that in the end we were one subtance, like it or not. Every single breath she breathed out from the center of her soul itself, I was breathing into mine. It was just an incredible thought, which came back to me randomly in the music review today (don't ask me why). Actually, if you're stressed out, I highly recommend going here and trying out this breathing meditation (click the pic):

Didn't do too much today though, woke up, finished all my xmas baking (mocha bears, amaretti and sugar cookies (almond coated with a jam dimple)). Just have to ice them now. Then went into town, had coffee with Lise which was quite nice, then music review. I should be worried for this exam but ièm really not and, like all exams, ièm worried about the fact that i'm not worried. Go figure. Interesting convo with my friend Val on the way home, we were talking about the sheer importance of symbolism throughout every aspect of life: a river, a red wheelbarrow, a breath, hairs on an arm, a fucked up name like Prufrock, NONE of it is ever just it, they all intimate so much more, and even if they dont, the sheer fact that the human mind can intuit the "more" is just so incredible. I mean if I think geographically, it brings me back to the days of the butterfly, when I'd cross from the island of my own created reality and conciousness, over the southern waters of the depths (chaos, unconciousness, read whatever you will), by a bridge (Hello J.M. how are ya?), and yeah. Then I thought about that in relation to where I am now and how that island is the created one of my parents and my childhood, and just the importance and yet simultaneous distrust of the mainland. Then, the northern stream, where beyond lies the conciousness of my tango/salsa/bachata/mambo/etc... partner and HER self-created reality and conciousness and just both the absurdity of what I was thinking and the sheer meaning behind all of it, and how it all fits perfectly into this kind of puzzle and order. Anyways, yeah, yet another breathtaking thing about existence. I have yet to find how cynics and deconstructionists and the "bleak ones" can ever fully justify their opinion using any kind of pretentions to reason in the least. I'm off to bed now, music tomorrow, glass of port in my hand tonight, life is grand...:)