The Nebula

Right. Well, on the plus side, Hegel lately has really been impressing me. There are reasons I stay in this program and stuff like the fact that everything is ruled by a divine will and plan and that that will and plan is somewhat fathomable by us and the little chill you get down your spine, the same one that you get when you hear a certain harmony in a musical, or something clicks in fiction, happened today for philosophy, so yay. Though, I still don't know what the testicles I want to do with my life. I was talking with Naike about it a bit tonight (i missed her sooo much over the holidays). It's such a tossup beteween academia, politics, creativity, etc.. etc... etc... and it really ends up becoming an either/or decision. There will be no real halfway in the end. There will be a definite path that will justify itself, like it or not, and I just have to hope that I pick (with a TON of guidance) the right one. Today's picture is of the Dumbell Nebula (thank you NASA). This is because my future prospects and the zone I'm in now is ridiculously nebulous. The more opportunities I get, the more I see horizons opened, the less certain I am of anything really (including how the hell that looks like a dumbell, crazy scientists). It's just that it's so easy to end up in a corner office filled with books, or a corner cubicle filled with pointless paperwork, or a pointless office in ottawa, where you accomplish nothing of merit, or as Greg pointed out tonight, a writer, who when asked what he's written, really can't say a damned thing. Yes I am being hard on both myself and on the world, but it's scary as all balls. I guess I just have to bear it out and hope for the best. I mean in the end my life goal is evident both to myself and to all and it has nothing to do with my career or what I'll accomplish or be remembered for, if anything. It's a transient, and, ok, maybe selfish goal, but it's one I've had da bambino and which still burns just as vividly within me. Moving on, I have no clue how i'm going to finish Burkhardt or Melville, or anything really. It'll have to be done somehow. Alas. I'm tired now, so will sleep, but I need to do coffee soon with many differnet people who i havne't seen in too long, and also just get away from it all. All the stress and runaround and madness gets to you after a while... Here I Stand, dreaming of running off to Thailand for the summer to teach english. "Oh Time, Cash, Patience and Strength. "