The Soul is A Cosmological Teapot :)

Forgive the lack of posting recently. Life's been a MYRIAD of ups, downs, side to sides and back in time. Though for now, it's looking up, wonderfully up :) Romantically new horizions are opening, the wind is beginning to pick up and the top-sails are set to go. Academically, I think I now have some kind of a focus, namely, Literature, Renaissance Lit. Specifically Dante/Boccaccio----> Cervantes (and Milton too a bit). Anyways, i'm psyched abotu that. Tobias is a wonderful and amazing man, I owe him a bunch. As far as love goes, I've had certain notions of mind challenged over the past week, and may I just say right now to my naysayers that the notions I hold are NOT fundamental and do NOT shape my experiences of love, rather, they're shaped BY those very experiences. Where I am right now is where I can be, not at truth, who knows if anyone can come to that in this life, but at least as close to a present personal truth as can be. When you need to make sense of being abandoned by almost every girl you've ever really felt for, when you need to make sense of the most intense relationships that mean very little or nothing to someone else, the soul is spurred to either incomprehension, bitterness, anger, and, as Tocqueville would say "unnatural" disbelief, or you can try to come to grips with all of it and come up with some explanations. No, they dont shape the way you experience love, but they are confirmed by what happens and they do make sense of what has happened, so there they are. In a sense, they're kind of like necessary fictions. They're, I guess, what you'd call my own personal mythologies. Hence the Claddaugh, hence the dream, hence all my cheesy, yet necessary, created symbolisms and meaning that end up tying in with everything to unite and make sense of my experience. Everyone does it, just not everyone realizes that they do it. For me, I've seen and felt magic in this world and thus to not be bowled over by it, i have two options; 1. it was a delusion and i'm nuts or 2. it was real and wonderful and powerful and magical, and can be, not explained, but fit into a narrative (my own life). Either choice is an ARBITRARY decision. Neither can be proven. Personally I pick option two because I believe in order to continue on believing. I believe because I want to, because it just makes sense to me. However, the other choice could be equally valid for someone else. Neither one's merits can be proven or disproven. Sure, pros and cons come from either side, but the two of them are just different systems that you have to choose from. I still feel a continuity with the way I felt and thought about love from the earliest I can remember. Sure those notions have been developed and furthered and shaped by SOOO much, but with enough reflection, a narrative, a coherent one, can be written about them and their sort of history in a sense. I know that I knew something as a child, I know that kids know something, what it is, who knows, they probably don't. It's higher than knowing, but it's a way of approaching the world with exuberance, excitement and magic, and seeing the beauty in everything. THAT is what i want to and need to keep, although at so many times i'm wandering in the selva silvaggia. I'll never get it back and I dont want THAT back, but it should be continuous. "Every man needs his mythology". Thus the prologue to my notions of love and where I'm at now. I don't know, I know that I can't know, but I believe. Love is like religion, you simply cannot know for a fact, but if you feel drawn to believe, you will and you cannot explain it. The same goes for principles of love. They don't shape your experience, that would be fundamentalism. In the same way that the belief in God or Christ can either be shaped and tied in with experience, or allowed to shape experience itself, the belief in love can too. Actually, i'm not even sure they can be talked about as different beliefs but that's beyond the point. As human beings, I think we have a responsibility to experience, to attempt to be unbiased in those experiences , or to try to, and then to link them together somehow. Narrative itself is belief, sure sometimes the leaps aren't as much, but they're still there. Anyways, thus is my defence, though I warn you Heather, this is only a preliminary. I'm tired and I'm going to bed, but if you have problems with THIS, take it up with me, I will expand ad nauseam. If I can justify and explain one thing to myself it's all of this. It does make sense and no, it's not crazy, although it has verged on that sometimes. It's what keeps me going, it's the principle of my being, and it's ridiculously important. As far as objective truth goes... well... *Aaah....Aahh....AaaacHUME!