Alas, A Lass

I don't even know really what to write tonight. My day was good overall, it began beautifully, spending time with one of my favourite people, shopping for cds and clothing; I was quite productive this afternoon, which is good; Also, Lorkovic said that I can write my paper on Either/Or if i want, which I really am considering. It was a good day all in all, then I got home and got in the car..... My mom, after the small talk, decides to tell me that "she'd love to go away for a weekend sometime, but she can't because she's committed to leaving me the car and i should be aware of her sacrifices" etc.... This = A Guilt Trip. There is no other way out of it. Whether consciously or subconsciously that's what it was, and I do NOT respond well to being told implicitly that I should feel guilt about something I should not feel guilty for. God knows I feel guilty enough simply for being who I am and for the fact that I just can't understand or relate to most of the world, though I wish I could. Anyways, we keep talking and finally I politiely decline to carry the conversation any further and she begins to get mad and to push me to keep going. (Word to the wise, do NOT start an argument with me if you don't want to finish it, ESPECIALLY if I politely say now's not the time and you push me past that). It continues and finally we both get semi-mad at each other. I feel bad because I know that she does mean well and ok, it's not fair of me to whine about the fact that 4 years ago when we moved they CHOSE to move down the street rather than closer into the city which would have made more sense. Though it seems to me that all of it is related, I mean if they didn't want me using the car so much or wanted me home more often, living somewhere where there's at least bus service would be nice. Whatever, we were both wrong and just ugh, not a good way to end a day. Finally she just stops talking and then starts just saying "mm-hmm" to everything I say. I'm really sorry but if I were to do that to her, she would FLIP out. So many people have this double standard where when they whine they expect you to listen to everything and not to mock them, and fair enough, you shouldn't, but then when it comes your turn to explain and show what you find unfair, they just mock you... ugh Still looking, i'm always looking, always searching, and i have to say, I mean God and Fate have been nice to me in the past little while insofar as there's constantly something new to hope for... nothing ever turns out, but hope is what I need to keep going I guess, so there. Party on Friday which should be fun, but like all parties I can only bring myself to go since I told Greg i'm driving home and will be responsible for serving the wine. Alas. I won't whine anymore here. I know that a lot of stuff is in my head and i mean after all, "we built this city on rock and roll". This is my system, it works for me, it's the best way I know of for laying out my existence (thank you Mr. Mill) and I cannot do otherwise. Yes it has its flaws, yes it's alienating, but it is self-created and not just sucked up from external pre-made moulds of meaning. Life is good, God is good, Fate is right.