"Arrêt Demandé"

Nummer Eins - Belle and Sebastian last night was AMAZING. The entire show was fantastic, new pornographers rocked as did B+S, it was just so awesome. Not to mention the fact that I went with a completely amazing person who was just amazing to be around and who really augmented the funness of that concert (although it was already retardedly fun). B+S kind of got me thinking, along with the Kierkegaard that's been fermenting in me lately... I think i'm getting tired of dealing in cheap illusions and chasing fake ghosts that I know aren't there... I'm not saying an abandonment of idealism, simply a rehab of it. I think its also capped off by the fact that this joke of a "backgammon" strategy is really not working and I'm really afraid I might end up hurting someone. Although i'm a wayward ship tossed about on the waves, putting in at a port that doesn't want you to leave, and will impute far too much meaning into you, is just too... ugh.... wow, the irony in all this is really incredible. Have i ended up conditioning myself in a way that prevents me from having a real relationship with a real and incredible person? Probably not, but it is a fear I have.... I don't want to run all my life being attracted to artificially attractive bubble-wrap with nothing/very little of substance within.... It's not that simplistic I grant you that, but you really realize how messed up your system is when you meet someone who blows you away and you want to like her so badly but you know that part of what's stopping you is the fact that you don't want to pull her into this total mess you've created (read: a setup where you have hope and justify things to yourself but just enough so that nothing ever works out or moves anywhere). Ironic really as I had this conversation the other day with a friend and we both agreed that the notion of a relationship that stays in that "just for fun" phase indefinitely and is KNOWN not to go anywhere is really just a maintenance of a status quo and I guess results from fear and nothing but. In a way, I think this is probably how i've approached most of my life up until today. Somewhat through fear, somewhat in hopes of creating myself as a unique individual and not conforming to the jello moulds of society whether consciously or subconsciously, I have put up walls and I acknowledge those. Some are justified, some aren't. They need to be changed, but it can't be done completely consciously or quickly. It's going to take time to get out of the emotional swamp i've been stagnating in, but it's all a question of little steps right? Fate has some interesting noodles of destiny up her sleeve. Just when you think that ok, this is all confusing but will begin to make sense if I can step off the existential bus for just a second, oops, some new person or persons get on and dun dun dun, the dynamic changes, the bus keeps rolling and the stop you thought was there simply vanished in the haze. "Marconi plays the mambas, listen to the radio" I did build this city in myself, well, partly, insofar as I can only control how i react to experience and what i'm pulled through on a daily basis. It's like canadian politics, is it the best system? Hell no. Could it be improved? Yeah, probably. How to improve it? I dunno, you figure it out. Does it work? Yes, not perfectly, but it does work. Things are well, albeit a bit exhausted. Unfortunately, I think i'm going to have to bite the bullet for next weekend and throw up fortifications out of fear of hurting someone and having awkwardness with another. I'm still somewhat shocked at that random encounter the other day. Do I ...? I don't know, but again, it's all a slow boat to china, and all that can be done is to enjoy the steam and to let whatever happens happen. Why am I worrying and thinking about all this? I still have SO MUCH work to get done these days, but it will all get done, i just need to rescind everything social, which i'm so reluctant to do :(. ...The snow is fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'....... ....falling softly and softly falling upon both the living and the dead...